Here in the northern hemisphere, when it gets to be February, March and April, the season begins. You would be forgiven for thinking that I’m referring to the blossoming springtime.
Emerging from winter is certainly important, but there is another season beginning to bud: it’s what I referred to last year as a matter of The Clash Roulette, aka ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go?’ outlined in Staying Put, For Now.*
Expats of all stripes begin that dance, circling tenuously around the question of whether they (or their friends and colleagues) will be moving on, repatriating or staying put.
Those that work for their governments (e.g., foreign service or military) are usually on set orders: x years here, followed by x years there and so on. Occasionally there is a one-year extension or abrupt change in plans, but for the most part these folks know when they’re scheduled to leave.
For those who work in international organizations, non-profits or the private sector, it’s much more of a crap shoot.
The decision to stay or go (and to where) may or may not rest in their hands, so a careful set of calculations ensues.
Is my job safe or should we strongly consider taking that opening in fill-in-the-blank?
Should we try to move this year to avoid moving our child in their last year of school?
Now that our last child has left the nest, it’s time to head back home.
Now that our last child has left the nest, I’ve always wanted to live in fill-in-the-blank.
Can I find a job in this economy if we decide to move home due to family considerations?
Another round of layoffs are coming, what’s our best course of action?
Time to try something (or some place) new…what are our options?
What if you accept a lateral move in your organization – could we then stay a couple more years?
Even when you think the issue is settled, things can change in a heart beat: falling in love, having a(nother) child, career change, job transfer, unexpected reassignment, divorce, serious illness, accident, even death.
Or job opportunities you weren’t expecting. We went through that earlier this year as Husband was approached to apply for a couple of jobs in two very different countries with equally diverse cultures on opposite points of the globe.
He’s quite happy with his current position and we really enjoy living here. Yet both were good career moves for him, and with Daughter facing her last two years of high school, they represented now-or-never (or more accurately, now-or-not-for-at-least-two-years) possibilities.
But things aren’t always what they seem (as in the case of the first job) and being asked to apply is not the same as finally being offered the job (as with the second). After a relatively tense few weeks we were able to step out of our own version of The Clash Roulette.
And no, I didn’t mention to anyone (family or close friends) because there’s no need to churn the waters when it’s all hypothetical.
So once the dust settles and you’ve got an accounting of who’s going where and when, what then?
Well, I’ve explored that a bit further in my monthly column over at Expat Focus, That Time of Year. Hope you get a chance to wander over and have a read.
*Guest posted on Russell’s site In Search of a Life Less Ordinary.
This post completely describes where we are right now – we still have a year to go, but already the questions are being asked. We’re saying goodbyes almost daily to friends who are moving on or going home, and constantly weighing our options.
Thanks Caroline. One of the key lessons from Ruth Van Reken and the late David Pollock’s seminal book Third Culture Kids is RAFT – reconciliation, affirmation, farewells, (and only then) think destination – so that you ‘leave well to enter well’. It’s challenging not to start pulling back when you know that you or the other person will be leaving, but so important not to. Too many people don’t read the book because they don’t think of their children as being TCKs or feeling the need to, but it’s really the expat handbook.
Our current posting is to an area with relatively few expats, and locals who have lived in the same area for generations. I am very open about the fact that we do relocate about once every three years, but it does make friends that I make in each location very uncertain about my future. I always know that I will be fine (eventually), but they worry about losing the friendship and the day to day contact – they experience the loss, but none of the positive aspects of expat life. And as much as we plan to stay in our location until the kids have finished high school, seasoned expats know the hard reality – sometimes moves are unexpected, and leave us all emotionally unprepared.
Isn’t that the truth, Rachel, unexpected moves for which we may not be emotionally prepared. When I make meet non-expats, it’s clear I’m not local Dutch. I don’t hide the fact that I’m an expat (there are so many in The Hague as the International City of Peace and Justice), but I downplay how long we’ll be here because it could be up to 7 years in one position for my husband. I usually say ‘several years’ or now ‘hopefully for 2-4 more years’ because we just don’t know. But I understand how frustrating it is when the non-expats around you seem scared off by your eventual moving.
How interesting to read your post on a different angle of the expat life. As I am an expat through marriage that is one challenge I have not faced. Must be very stressful at times. I will go read your other article now.
Yes, that is a fairly stressful aspect of ‘serial’ expat life, Jane. But there are so many positives, as well. The key, in my opinion, is to aware and forewarned so that you make the most of friendships while they last. Holding back because you’re afraid of losing the friendship equates to living your life on hold. Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all
We lived with this uncertainty constantly for 15 years due to the industry my husband was in and I found it most unsettling. I felt like I always had my suitcase behind the door, ready to leave. Even though in reality we’re probably just as vulnerable now we’re back home, I feel much more secure and that feels good. Probably because we’re in a country where we have citizenship and are not visa-dependent and would at least be able to stay and consider our options for as long as we want. Definitely a “plus” for repatriates
I agree, Judy. It’s unsettling to know that you are in a place wholly dependent on your or your spouse’s employment. I remember two summers ago a father died of cancer: his wife and child had to move back to their ‘home’ country. Other expats pitched in to help them get ready to move, even holding a garage sale for them and dealing with whatever they decided not to take with them. Just when the child would have benefitted from being around friends and teachers he knew at his school, he couldn’t stay. I realize that sometimes the parent chooses to do it this way, but it seems there could be a bereavement ‘cooling off’ period to grieve and figure out the best next move. I’ve heard of similar stories elsewhere: very sudden, sad and disruptive.
We’re in this situation now too. After looking like we’d be staying put for quite a long time it now looks like we’ll be moving again relatively soon. I just wish I knew where we’ll be headed. I’ve stopped thinking about my life more years into the future but I’d like to know where to picture myself a year from now.
The uncertainty is the killer, isn’t it? I hope you find out sooner rather than later, Katie, and that you end up going somewhere you want to go.
I have seen several bosses – and many others in the foreign service here in Jamaica – going through all this. I always feel sorry for them! It must be really difficult and so complicated, especially if you have kids…
It is, Emma, although the foreign service (usually, not always) have more predictability in their rotations. The unscheduled, pop-up moves are tricky. Regardless, each move is an emotional and mental challenge, not simply physical. Sometimes being the one who stays behind is harder.