It happened again.
A little more than a week ago I was over at a friend’s blog, reading a post that got me thinking.
The good ones always do. They intrigue and inspire, prod and provoke, query and occasionally even quarrel.
A sign of a good post? For me, it’s the ones that stay on my mind, hiding in the recesses of my brain. My thoughts return to them over and over again, like your tongue sneaking its way over the sore, empty socket where a tooth recently resided.
Another sign? Again, for me, it’s when I immediately scroll down to respond in the comments section. I type along, fingers tripping over each other as they race to keep up with the words spilling from my lips.
Yes, at times like this I tend to get excited and start muttering aloud in the hopes that if I hear it as I think it, I won’t forget to write it.
Hey, don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. It works. Usually.
And somewhere in the midst of drafting my comment – often by the third sentence but almost certainly by the fourth – I realize that I’m so taken with the topic that it may well require a blog post of my own.
Such was the case with Russell’s The Flip Side of the Coin over on his site In Search of a Life Less Ordinary. It started with some emails from aspiring or soon-to-be expats who credited his blog with encouraging them to take the plunge into building a new life abroad.
It then segued into a rumination about ‘the other side of the coin’ that expat bloggers may not always be so quick to share: missing those ‘back home’ while building new friendships overseas, and how a visit to the former can leave some of us lamenting the seemingly superficial depth of the latter as we’ve connected in a ‘we’re all in this expat life together’ sort of way.
It isn’t that we don’t like our newfound friends and acquaintances, it’s more that we may not have the time and mileage of experiences under our belts the way well-worn friendships do.
Russell mentioned how visiting ‘back home’ and the ease with which we fall back into conversation and shared remembrances with family and lifelong friends can make us wistful and a bit withdrawn when we return to our current lives in expat land.
He went on to wonder whether some of us expat bloggers inadvertently gloss over the negative in our exuberance to share the positive. Are we candid enough? Do we suppress the less-than-pleasant? Do we paint the full picture?
As with every good post, it generated many comments and prompted a little introspection.
My thoughts? Between the post and the insightful comments, Russell had started an honest, heartfelt conversation about the other side of the expat coin, one that anyone considering pulling up stakes and moving abroad should definitely take note of.
It also got me thinking about the many reasons we all tend to blog, and thus the blogs – and by extension, the blogging communities – we create. When I started Adventures in Expat Land, I was fully cognizant that while we usually think of excitement and new experiences when we hear the word ‘adventures’, it can and does include the less-than-savory as well.
I’ve tried to present the entire picture, or as Russell describes it, both sides of the expatriate coin. Why? Because I never positioned my blog as anything other than one woman’s conversational view of life in another culture.
I’m fully aware that as a raging extrovert (yes, I once rated a 49 out of 50 for extroversion), I’m a people-person. I like meeting new people, striking up conversations, making connections regardless of whether they are short-lived in nature or destined to last.
I like learning about what other people find of interest, what matters to them, what makes them tick.
Why just last night Daughter was regaling her aunt, uncle and cousins the story of how she ended up sitting on Queen Elizabeth’s thronelike chair in Westminster Abbey during a family trip to London a few years ago. My sister-in-law reported that Daughter led with ‘Well, you know how my mother always wants to make new friends everywhere she goes…’
So, yeah, I tend to meet people as I go through this world. LOTS of people. Interesting people, sad people, contented people, unhappy people, fascinating people, lonely people, charming people – you name it, I’ve met them. There are far worse ways to be described by your child than Daughter’s gentle poking fun at my penchant for making connections.
I’ve learned more about the world we live in and the little microcosms in which these people live, and my life has been richer for these connections, no matter how fleeting. I’d like to think that their lives are enriched in some small way by our encounters as well.
I’ve come to also realize that in the end, all I can do is write about my life, my experiences, my perspectives.
Husband is generally a very private person, and Son and Daughter are (now) older teens, which by definition means ‘I can spill whatever I care to about my own life but don’t you dare share anything without asking’. For the record, I do check with them if I’m in any danger of straying over the line into their privacy.
With my ‘writing boundaries’ clearly delineated, I think I’ve done a fairly good job of adhering to the spirit, if not always the letter, of the law.
I don’t think I’ve allowed this to become a whitewashed, Pollyanna-ish version of expat life. Along the way I’ve found it easier to sometimes share certain of the less appetizing aspects in articles published elsewhere, and then often shared back here on this site.
I feel that I’ve shared the positive as well as the less positive, the pros as well as the cons, the upside as well as the down.
Taken all together, I’m comfortable with how I’ve portrayed expat life because I’ve usually focused on sharing my expat life. Not every minute detail, but the bold brushstrokes that make the painting.
Because in the end, I may well be an extrovert and a glass-half-full kind of gal, but I am also nothing if not one who seeks balance. I deplore the false sunniness of ‘life is perfect’ blogs every bit as much as I cannot tolerate the whining ‘Debby Downers’ of the blogosphere.
Give me reality. Give me honesty. But also give me growing insights borne out of experience, a sense of burgeoning wisdom, a knack for putting things into perspective.
Give me the strength to seek improvement, the fortitude to make necessary changes and above all, the capacity for appreciation and gratitude.
It’s what I hope for in my life, it’s what I strive for on this site, and it’s what I look for in the blogs I read.
Look – you’ve just written one of those posts you were talking about – I could hardly wait to finish reading before I commented. This is a wonderful post, and a topic that is so unique to us as expats!
I think one of the reasons I prefer writing humorous posts to writing serious ones (which I do – but rarely) is because I do not ever want to take myself too seriously. I have read a few (not many) slightly smug blogs that are paeans to the glamour of life abroad, and I’ve also read a few that seem a little cranky, but I think I’m primarily drawn to bloggers like you, who write about both the ups and the downs of expat living in a balanced, but generally positive, way. In my case, I feel like I’m keenly aware of the gift that this move to Seoul has been for me. Even on my worst days – standing shivering at the bus stop, getting pushed around the subway, choking back tears of frustration trying to make myself understood – somewhere in the back of my mind, I know that these years are a privilege, and ones that I will always look back on with gratitude.
I spent my entire childhood – in fact, right up until I was married – with nomadic military parents, never spending more than a few years in any one place, in both Europe and Asia as well as the US. When I got married, I was ready to settle down and experience life in one place. I truly believed that I would raise my children in that house, in that town, and stay there until we retired. Obviously, that didn’t happen! However, we stayed in one house for nearly 8 years – longer than I had ever lived anywhere, and long enough for me to understand that the fantasies I’d always had about staying put and being a part of a community were about as unrealistic as the fantasies others might have about the perpetual glamour of life overseas.
I try to portray things honestly, and I hope that readers recognize that what underlies my blog is a constant current of gratitude and appreciation for this great adventure – even on my whiniest days! ; )
Loved this thought-provoking post – and, yes – I’m an extrovert too!
Thank you so much Caroline, I really loved your comments! Your phrase ‘these years are a privilege, and ones I will always look back on with gratitude’ says it all. Even when things aren’t going well (or downright poorly), appreciating the opportunity to live and learn in different cultures is something to be embraced. Besides, if you’re truly miserable, you’ll be taking steps to change your situation; in the meantime, why not get the most out of it? Keep writing, we’re reading.
49 out of 50??? What happened to the 1?
Making cconnections is one of the great joys (and sometimes banes!) of expat life for me. I am naturally curious and I find people interesting. At the same time I find the assumption that just because 2 people from the same nation meet OS, we should get along, quite frustrating. Just as with everyone I meet, it usually has little to do with cultural background and everything to do with feeling of meeting a like-minded soul.
Well, even extroverts have an off day, lol. Like you, I love making connections. Some may only last a few minutes; if we’re fortunate, others last a lifetime.
I always enjoy your posts, and, especially as a recent repat who will continue to write posts “through expat eyes” of our experiences in China and Mongolia, your comments resonate…
I hope you will check out my blog as well.
Why thank you Rena, I’m glad you shared your site. I wandered over and found the topics intriguing and the photos revealing. Expat Eyes is now on my expat blog roll
I really enjoyed Russell’s post. Many expat blogs I read (and some I’ve stopped reading) do tend to focus on the positive aspects of expat life (and there are many). However, there’s often a lack of candour. Expat life is like any other – ups and downs, swings and roundabouts. Our time in Turkey was a life-enhancing experience, something I wouldn’t change for a second. But, it wasn’t always wine and song. When it wasn’t I said so. It ruffled a few feathers, I can tell you!
Life isn’t always wine and roses anywhere, so I’m not sure why people try delude others (and themselves) otherwise. Besides, we all love reading about your and Liam’s wine, roses and whatnot!
OMG. Very well-thought and perfectly phrased. And true.
Please tell me I’m not a “Debby Downer”, though!
No dear, and in honor of your membership in the ‘go to’ bloggers core, we’ll banish the phrase and substitute ‘Whining Wendy’ instead. (With apologies to the Wendys of the blogging world…)
Finding a balance between being positive and being realistic is credibly tough. Bad stuff happens wherever you are, but being overseas seems to magnify any negative experience. Blog about it and you risk being seen as negative, a Debbie Downer, a whiner.
Like you, I want balance, somewhere between Whining Wendy and Positive Penny – both are draining and negative in very different ways!
We need to acknowledge both sides of the coin and present a realistic picture of expat life, but that said we have to find the positives in the negative, otherwise what’s life about?
Love the balance between ‘Whining Wendy and Positive Penny’: so true about both being emotionally draining and overly negative in different ways. Besides, we all know that the humor or wisdom or message lies in the telling of the tale…
For what it’s worth, there are a core set of bloggers – Jack, Aisha, Maria, Kym, yourself and others – that I rely on for my daily fix of honesty and a true, reliable picture of life lived abroad (and, in some cases, back home again). Not the always-positive Facebook variety but the good, the bad, and the sometimes ugly. The sub-title of your blog drew me in from Day One, Linda, and the rest as they say is history. Plus your smooth talking and occasional patting of my ego in posts such as this one keeps me coming back for more like an over-eager puppy. Thank you!
Right back at you, Russell. When I started the post I realized that I’ve riffed off so many of your posts that you’d almost reached the stature of having your own category, second only to Catarina. (Almost. Gotta keep you guessing.)
I like to read a wide range of blogs (as reflected on my expat/travel blog roll), different reasons for different sites. But as you mentioned, there is a ‘go to’ core that I know will provide interesting topics or intriguing twists. Kym’s counting ‘sleeps’ before her birthday and trips back to Oz as well as her fervent (and well-placed) belief that champagne improves all situations crack me up; similarly, Emma’s (Petchary) social commentary on subjects of interest in Jamaica demonstrates the universality of issues affecting the human condition, and of moving beyond ‘expat’ status to truly becoming a citizen/resident in every sense. It’s a tribe-within-a-tribe, and I cherish keeping up with its members.
Your last sentence: Absolutely. Agreed, agreed and agreed.
Thanks Russell, it’s good to remind ourselves periodically
Hush now, Russell. You’ll have me blushing.
What a beautiful, thought provoking post, Linda, and yet again, you have hit the nail on the head. It struck a chord with me – I am in the throes of a house move, having recently purchased a home, and am having to fake enthusiasm when people comment on how exciting it must be.
They are right, it should be, and setting up a home used to be something I loved, but the frustration and uncertainty of trying to prove your (financial) worth in a country other than your one of birth, the pressures of trying to plan a financially stable future (college fees, 401k’s, no NHS – eeek!!) and the nagging uncertainty about whether or not we will actually still be living in it by the time the work is done, all have taken the bloom off this particular rose.
The good news? We have now done it enough times for me to know that this gloom will pass, that it is just a phase, and at some point I will get my life (albeit in a slightly different form) back. And possibly separate my paint-clogged fingers long enough to blog again.
I hear you, Rachel, and empathize. Home ownership, wherever it might be, is something to be celebrated, yet often the hurdles are just too many, too high and too closely spaced together to generate more than a meek ‘yay’. Here’s to putting down that paint brush and allowing yourselves a holiday in the truest sense of the word: not the uber holiday shown on television commercials but one in which you celebrate family over errands, to-do lists and must-haves. We’re doing precisely that this year, and I for one CAN. NOT. WAIT.
Loved this post!!
I started blogging because when we moved to Delhi, I found VERY little in the way of HELPFUL posts about what it was really like to live in the city. India is fascinating to most people, but people who had survived and THRIVED living there (and were writing about it) were hard to find.
I blog now to hopefully encourage every 10th visitor (and there aren’t many!) to get out and explore their OWN world. I will say though that most EVERY time I have written about the other side of the coin, I get knocked down a few in the comment section — labeled as whingey and spoiled … as if!
Lol, doesn’t that just irritate you beyond belief? You try to keep it real and share the less-than-stellar side of life and get smacked by someone with an attitude. If you’re too upbeat you’re taken as sugarcoating everything. Sigh. We bloggers just have to find our own way and write what feels right; those who appreciate it will come along for the ride. Thanks Naomi.
Hi there – this is the first time I’ve visited your blog. Your bring up a good point. I looked back at my old blog posts and ALL of them are so bright and cheery. I’ve only been abroad for one year, but I’ve certainly come across tough times, like any expat. I’ve been hesitant to write negative things, mostly because I try to be careful with what I say about my new home country. There are some customs and other things about daily life that I find super frustrating. But who am I to judge? Not a lot of good news comes out of where I am – (the Philippines) – so I guess I try to bring light to the country and showcase its best attributes. Perhaps also, because even though I blog, I’m a pretty private person, so I don’t like to put my life story out there. I notice that my blog has steered more into a journalistic direction, reporting on people and places.
To each his own, and big kudos to those who do write more about personal experience. I guess it all comes down to personal preference, and why we even blog in the first place!
Your story of the evolution of your blog and the reasons that took you in that more journalistic direction is a great one, Liana. We all have an idea what we want to write about when we start, but it takes time to find our voice, our tone, our rhythm. So glad you visited!
Oh, I know what you mean! I know I tend to do it myself – I talk about the wonderful things about living in Holland, but I tend to brush over the bad in my blog, or try to make them funny. I think it’s because it was a big thing for me to come over here, and I (a) don’t want things to go wrong and (b) don’t want people at home saying “look, I knew it, she’s not coping”. I’ve got to get over that.
Anyone who’s packed in as much living as you have in the past five years can definitely cope! I get the sense from your blog that, like me, you look for the upside in places and situations. You like exploring places, finding interesting info and sharing with others: perhaps that’s why you’re a professional tour guide?!
Lots of good points here; and I agree that when writing about life experiences its so important to keep it real and balanced. To be fair I think that applies whether or not its an expat life, although I’ve tried both and the latter is certainly more of a roller-coaster ride!
Having written a memoir with the less than positive title: ‘An Inconvenient Posting’ I’m all too aware of the challenge of writing about the darker side of life in transition whilst acknowledging the potential for privilege, fun and enrichment overseas.
None of us who are writing want to find expat readers can’t face our prose because they need to hang on to the illusion that life is one long ball – and they are not about to admit otherwise.
I guess its a fine balance, one we are not going to get right for everyone, all of the time.
Thank you Linda and other contributors for airing the topic
Absolutely, Laura, it is important to keep it real and balanced. Laughter helps, although sometimes it takes a little while before your sense of humor returns. Even when I’ve been at my most frustrated, I can usually find something to be grateful for, even if it’s simply to have experienced it and gotten over it. An Inconvenient Posting is an important book for its honesty, one that every expat should read.
I haven’t read Russell’s post but I love yours. At least once or twice a week I’ll receive emails from women who have found themselves in another country searching for a reminder on why they’re there. Not in a “Debbie Downer” way but more in a “well, I’m here and this is harder than I thought it would be” way.
I think when you begin on your own, discovering a blog that you can relate to, can be a lifesaver. In my eyes, if you can help one person realize they’re not on their own – then you’ve just written the best post possible.
Kirsty xx
Thanks Kirsty, glad you enjoyed it. You’re absolutely right, when you get those emails asking questions or simply seeking a sympathetic shoulder, you really do feel a sort of ‘we’re all in this together’ spirit. Have been following your time away from your family with bated breath, glad to know you’re healing and they’ll be in Oz soon. What a wonderful Christmas it will be – absence from your own family makes the heart go crazy!
I just wanted to pop up and say Hi! I am new to the blogosphere and I started writing to connect with other expats. My sister in law is a popular UK blogger and she suggested I started after a teary skype call during a bout of homesickness.
I love what you have written, very thought provoking. I try to keep my posts as upbeat as possible whilst trying to remain honest mainly because I know my family read them. I think we do it because it takes such an effort to make the move and we need to show it was all worth it. Also we don’t want our family and friends worrying that things aren’t as rosy as we’d hoped. I have learnt such a lot from your post and the comments. Thank you all
Why thank you Lou, glad to have you in the expat blogging community. Deciding to move overseas is a big decision, whether it’s for 2 years, 20 or forever. I certainly don’t sugarcoat it, and sometimes the tougher bits are easier to write about after a little time/distance
I wandered over to your site and look forward to returning.
I will definitely check out the Flip Side of the Coin- sounds like a great post. I’m a raving extrovert like you so when I moved from UK to USA it wasn’t much of a big deal, especially as there were no language barriers. I did feel homesick at the beginning tho and 12 years later i can’t say I think of the USA as my home but I still see more of it’s positives than I did at the beginning and don’t miss the UK weather.
Thanks Emma. I caught your recent post about Vicks ‘Posh Spice’ Beckham in which she says her children consider themselves American, and how that isn’t the case with your children. It’s an interesting issue as it’s not surprising that children have an affinity for the country/culture in which they’re raised. With you being Austrish (always makes me giggle) and your husband Irish, it sounds as though you’ve instilled in your children a strong sense of their heritage resulting in their embracing bits from all. Oh, and congrats on the launch of your most recent book (Her Ten Year Itch)!